The Desires of My Heart

During my first 20 years as a believer there was a particular Bible verse that stuck in my craw. It is the often referenced: “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” (Psalms 37:4, NIV).

This verse dangled like a carrot on a stick before me. I possessed a mountain of desires that weren’t becoming reality. I resented that such a statement resounded from the Bible but may not apply to me personally. I came to the conclusion that to make good on this promise in my life, God was withholding all my dreams for heavenly rewards instead of earthly realities. I wasn’t pleased that Psalms 37:4 didn’t exclude heaven as the setting for dream fulfillment. It felt like a tease.

When my unfulfilled desires collapsed, they buried me. The will to live faded daily. At the crossroads of hospitalization and self-harm, an intervention pulled me out of the rubble. Would I, could I walk away from the desires that had pushed me to despair of life? I didn’t want to jeopardize my career by being hospitalized. I didn’t really want to hurt myself. And I wasn’t going to abandon my faith for it had been tested to the extreme and wasn’t on the bargaining table. Giving up my earthly desires was the only good option. I had very little internal resolve left, but I possessed just enough to agree to abandon my earthly future to God.

When I did, all that was left for me was God and a blank future. My new world was unencumbered by all the things that had motivated me all my life. I rested, hibernated, and healed. I drew near to God. And I found Him in every quiet moment. He became my constant companion and corrected decades of harmful thoughts. There I discovered delighting in the Lord as a relevant, daily experience.

It has been six years now, the best of my adult life. I covet my time with Him. We spend most of my non-working hours together and can’t wait to get home to pick up my Bible, a Christian book, my study notes, or laptop to type up all that I am learning. Prayer is like breathing. I rarely devote designated time to prayer but hardly skip an hour without mediating. Our dialogue is constant.

“Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart” means something different to me now. When you truly delight in Him, all other desires disappear. There is no rival wish waiting to be granted, just the desire to experience His presence in this hour and the next. There are no barking orders, no requirements, no must do’s. He loves me and that truth has turned down the volume on every competing voice. I am perfectly acceptable, just as I am, just because I am His. I don’t have to impress anyone. I don’t have to make appearances. I don’t have to lose or maintain a certain weight. I don’t have to attract the opposite sex. I don’t have to live in an immaculate house. I don’t have to accomplish a to-do list. I am free, from my own standards, my parents’, and society’s. My only desire is to remain in this constant state of delight and He is granting that desire in spades. My understanding of Psalms 37:4 has changed to this:

When the desire of your heart is to delight in the Lord, then He will give you Himself, which isthe desire of your heart.

I agree with Paul. Everything is permissible for me (1 Cor. 10:23, NIV) because I am free. My inherent value as God’s beloved child cannot be jeopardized and my eternal destiny is secure. Intimacy with God is my driving ambition. It’s the only thing that matters. There is no desire left for unbeneficial things; therefore, they are no longer relevant nor have any power over me.

Copyright © 2019 by D.M. Harrington